scorched earth policy

Your love is a scorched earth policy.
Moved, you did, through my fields of hope, sowing salt into the ground I tilled all summer. On deep, moonless nights you slouched toward my hearth, to steal the smallest glint of flame from the blooming coals. With the fire I thought you’d kindled for warmth, you burned. You burned my crops, with our fire. Ash and cinder shivered in the air, like something magic. It came to rest, painlessly, on my face. You poured poison into my well; I knew you would. That water was deep and pure. And when locusts visited the grain house, I knew it was you who invited them.

-jules

Advertisements

I am so uncomfortable all the time.

I am so uncomfortable all the time.

Every morning, I cut the pattern of my discomfort from fabrics of chagrin, ambition, shame, boredom, fatigue, sensitivity, anger, intellect, hope, desire and indifference.

The texture of my discomfort shears against my skin. I occupy rooms, but barely.

It feels as though there is not much of me with which to occupy anything.

There is more of others. Others who fill rooms with their generous spirits. They are clamorous and demented, supplied with talents foreign to me:

Like laughing, loudly
opening wide their mouths and throats and just
laughing
without constraint.

I only have so much air in my lungs for laughing.
Most things in life are not funny enough for that much air.

I am not a serious person
but I also am.

How do I explain that to anyone?

I can’t help the words I use. I like words. More than pictures.
Try making friends in 2018
with those credentials.

-jules

 

 

things i’m amateur at

amateur

  1. person who engages in an activity or pursuit, such as an academic discipline, sport, artistic endeavour, for pleasure rather than financial gain;
  2. person who lacks significant experience or skill in a particular activity;
  3. person who admires an activity or has a certain love for it, without the pursuit of monetary compensation.

I am, or have been, an amateur at a number of things. I think you have too. When did we start to disinherit the amateur soul?

In my life, I have been an amateur at a number of things: photography, writing, investing, blogging, sewing, hydroponics, French language, ink painting.

All this means that I do these things in private. Most people have no idea I’ve done them, probably because they’re usually so short-lived. In keeping with the more tainted definition of amateurism, I can’t do any one of these pursuits with great skill, and have never made any money doing any of them.

The concept of 10 000 hours terrifies me.

When I begin one of my amateur episodes, I have great hopes, and for a short time, I am convinced that I’ll make any one of these pursuits into a career. Then, it gets hard – the hydroponic nutrient balance is off; my stocks start to hemorrhage; those French conjugations get too tricky.

My amateur’s soul, like yours, is infatuated with its lack of skill, its impatience to be better, now.  The amorous part of amateurism – the doing for the sake of doing – is lost on me. Without affection for what I do, I enter into a loveless enterprise that runs its rocky course, until one of us ends it.

I have decided that I need to be a more loving amateur. There’s no use in spurning one’s novice pursuits because of an expectation for them to be immediately excellent.

Always starting, never finishing, only ending.

-jules

 

those lost hours, when I was in the dark and disconnected, are recaptured, quickly, as I scroll through lives.

For years, I have lived the lives of others.

From the moment I wake, my body still under the spell of sleep, I reach for the glass through which I view others. My eyes are still cloudy from the sleep granules that tickle the corners. Rheum, as its more old-fashionedly known. I am in their world. It doesn’t take long. I consume the faces and bodies and words of the people I am not.

After eight uninterrupted hours, a crop of life stories has grown, and I am ready to reap. As I blink in the new morning, things play out the same. My hungry mind accommodates to the new things. My yearning cools, slowly, as I fill myself. Those lost hours, when I was in the dark and disconnected, are recaptured, quickly, as I scroll through lives.

These days, the people inside the looking glass can move, like the portraits and news photographs in Harry Potter. I notice that they always move so carelessly.

I am the farmer whose crop never never fails. It self-sustains and renews as I sleep. There is endless water. I know, and I know, and I look, and look.

And it is never enough.

-jules